Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
you will always have a special place in my vag
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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