Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Randomize
