My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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