I'm eating all of the evidence.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize