I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
