you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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