I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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