i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
