Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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