I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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