I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
