I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize