First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
