apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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