i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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