he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
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