Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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