i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize