Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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