Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I feel like abortions should bother me more
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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