Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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