people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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