the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
