everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
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