OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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