i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
