I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Randomize
