You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
