If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
