The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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