porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
