She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
