We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
