I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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