Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
