Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
