Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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