I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
