The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Randomize
