Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
