I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
