It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Did we literally take a cab across the street
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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