he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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