dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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