Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
