If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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