based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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