goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
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