Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Come share oat with me in your robe
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
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