my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
