just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
