My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
