Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
