i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
